Advice to a young woman - reprinted from my post in another forum in 2003

Wed, 20 Apr 2005 06:12:26 GMT

Brooke and I shared an email conversation recently that I thought might start an interesting conversation here. She sought advice from me, and it took me weeks to mull it over. I finally responded last night, and she has given her permission for me to publish it here:

Brooke:
Hey Candie!

Um, okay, I have a rather odd bit of advice to ask
you. Since it's an issue that is taken very seriously
by a lot of women, however, I just wanted to kinda ask
your permission before asking the questions
themselves. They concern body image, which I'm pretty
sure you'll be okay with, but, you know, permission,
and also a bit of warning. It'd be kinda weird to open
up your email to find a message dealing with somewhat
personal information from a girl you only know from a messageboard. So, um, would you be comfortable giving me advice about body image, or would you prefer I direct my questions elsewhere? Thanks a lot.

--Brooke

Candie:
I'd be happy to answer any questions you have, if I think I know the answers. =)

Brooke:
Okay, I think it's pretty much agreed that you're,
well, gorgeous. At least everyone I know who's met you
has said so, your pictures certainly support this, and
you seem to carry yourself with the knowledge that
this is true (while still managing to, you know, not
be a completely self-absorbed, stuck-up bitch about
it). And yet you don't conform to our culture's
backward idea of beauty, that only girls who look
dangerously underweight are attractive. And while I
think this is wrong, and do think that women with
healthy figures look infinitely better than any
emaciated Victoria's Secret model, I still find that I
have trouble dealing with the fact that I'm not really
thin.

I'm not about to win any beauty contests. I know this,
and I've come to accept it, but I would like to be
able to look in the mirror and not hate what I see. An
attitude like that leads to shit like eating
disorders, and having gone through two years of that,
I'd rather just steer clear of it. I dunno, it's just
a whole lot more pleasant to go through life liking
yourself.

So I'm just wondering if perhaps you could help me
out. I'm not sure if you've always had the confidence
you put forth on the board, but if you haven't, maybe
you could tell me how you managed to gain it. Are
there any tricks you use to help you feel good about
the way you look? Anything would help a lot at this
point. Thanks again.

--Brooke

Candie:
Hi Brooke!

Sorry I've been so long in getting back to you, but this is a complicated subject. I don't have many answers for you. But I can give you some random thoughts on the subject.

1. Now is perhaps not the best time to ask me how to have a good body image. Since my knees went bad, I slowed down my exercise, and I am now hovering around 200 pounds. That is changing now that I am biking to work and back, but currently I am not too happy with my body. However, I always manage to find parts of my body I do like. For example, I like that I gain weight evenly so that I still have a narrower waist than hips; I'm proud of my muscle structure under my layer of fat; I like my skin tone. Everyone can find parts of their bodies they can be proud of.

2. I avoid "beauty and fashion" magazines. I starting noticing several years ago that I always felt worse after reading one, not better. The retouched photos lie about what the models really look like, on top of the models being unnaturally thin to begin with. And even though I know the photos are "improved," they still make me feel fat and second-rate. Most of the columns/articles are full of lies too. Cosmopolitan, for instance, is usually full of shit. Don't buy a word they say about anything. Trust me on this.

3. Sometimes I think I look stunning, and other times I think I look just awful. I guess most times I don't think about it all that much, because I've got other priorities. When I was a child, I was called ugly so many times to my face that I started caring less what other people thought of my looks. Painful lesson, but I'm glad of the result. I spent most (not all) of my time in high school not worrying about fitting in with the crowd. I knew that a) it was not going to happen in any real way, and b) I didn't truly want that. But sometimes I despaired of never being popluar. Good thing I knew deep down that popularity in high school was going to mean fuck-all in the real world.

4. That said, I am an exhibitionist. I like to be noticed. I like being an iconoclast. I like to be thought remarkable. I readily admit that I take and show photos of myself because the response feeds me emotionally. I change my hair color to keep things interesting in the mirror. I like to dance in the most visible place in the nightclub. But what feeds me more is a good response to my talent, intelligence, and the work I do. I want to be famous one day, but not have the kind of fame where people recognize me on the street. My relationship with other people is sometimes one of fitting in, but my desire usually is to stand out.

5. The first time I was told that what strangers first perceive in me is my confidence, I was surprised and flattered. I hadn't realized that the way I carried myself was all that unusual. I guess one could say I'm pretty confident of myself. I owe some of that to my upbringing, along with the not-giving-a-shit factor mentioned earlier. Once you fully comprehend just how cowardly and insecure most people are, you learn just how special your own strengths are. And confidence is a really good example of the fake-it-'til-you-make-it concept. Take full responsibilty for your own happinesss. Stand up tall, walk with a purpose, take risks. Never ever pity yourself or insult yourself around others, except with tongue firmly placed in cheek. But number one, confidence requires that you build a life for yourself that you are proud of.

6. Being "stuck-up" and self-absorbed are the result of insecurity, not of confidence.

7. Brooke, you are beautiful. I honestly mean it. You have nothing to worry about. Moreover, you are incredibly intelligent and creative. You're at an excellent starting point. See if you aren't giving this same advice to a teenager when you are 36.

My real blog

Tue, 19 Apr 2005 23:22:07 GMT

I have a blog elsewhere: Go here.

dawnsbrain

Advice to a young woman - reprinted from my post in another forum in 2003

My real blog